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I couldn't think ofanything though. I'd done all the right things. Avoided sushi and softcheese and all that stuff.I knew enough to convince myself that ultimately sometimes it justhappens. Some sort of congenital anomaly possibly.There will be an attempt to ascertain that, but because themiscarriage was before 20 weeks she won't have any sort of identity ormemorial.She'll just be examined in a histo lab for genetic defects and throwninto biowaste. It seemed cruel. And wrong. And just compounded mysuffering.I dared not tell Kristi these were the awful reflections I had, againgiven she was 9 weeks pregnant herself.Things just seemed so despairingly desperate.It was true what I told her. I had completely lost my purpose forbeing. Primarily as a result of the events of today, but partlybecause of what had already transpired. Still, trying to heed herwords I began to speculate what the future did in fact hold for menow!I grasped at the potential positives.I could continue nursing, which. Suzanne had said nothing about plans that morning before we left for work. I spent a lot of time mulling over the situation.After a lot of soul searching, I had come to some decisions. First, the driving force in the negative feelings I had about what Suzanne was doing were based on societal expectations. Society said what she was doing was bad. Heck I found most all of it exciting to one extent or another. It was when I considered what she did against what I had been told all my life was good or bad based on societies expectations that I started feeling bad about things. I decided that I was letting society make too many decisions for me. I could determine what I did or didn't like. As long as no one was coerced into something they didn't want and we didn't hurt our "public' positions and we had a few ground rules about some things that I found personally repulsive, scat play, involving children, etc., then I was willing to play and try things as they came.With that decision in.
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