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’ I hear her laugh. She must think I’m pathetically hung over. I hear her enter my room and her phone rings. ‘What up, girl?’ Jesus, I’m in hell. Can’t she tell that I need help? I imagine myself foolishly splayed across the bed, the ridiculousness of it meriting her attention. ‘Leslie,’ I try to interrupt, ‘Find my cell phone. In it is the number for Ball State Information. Call that number and ask for the number of Ball Memorial.’ I hear a low chuckle which is the predecessor of a larger and inappropriate amount of laughter. She’s not even fucking listening! I’ll never get out of this blue and white prison. The rest of my life will be spent in this depressingly dingy color scheme. I begin to hate the color blue-grey. It’s the color that forges iron prison bars. Blue and white fear surges through my muscles, sparking along my nerves like electricity across steely, taut cable wires, and rending them into a million slivers under the tensile force. Desperate and terrified, I begin. And no I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to start doing it.You see, I've had a problem since birth that no one knew about but me and of course one or two of those girlfriends if they bothered to look. One of my testicles hadn't dropped down to where it was suppose to be and as a result I needed an operation. The doctors would decide to either force it down or they would remove it altogether.A sperm sample was needed to decide which of the two procedures they would perform. If the count was low, they would remove it. I had been told to bring in a sample or they would use a very large, intrusive, painful to the extreme needle on me. I was not too happy when I heard this option. I was not very happy with the first choice either as it was something I had never attempted before.So anyway when I was alone in the house I would go down to my bedroom with a bottle of handlotion and a magazine, which I always had tucked under my mattress, and try it. This was the fourth time this.
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