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. . "Anyway, Joanna, I'll keep what you've said in mind. I find I don't hate her anymore, nor really her lover, I mean husband, either if it comes to that. But, it's been too long now. They're getting on with their thing, and I'm getting on with mine. It works for me," I said. "Hmm, maybe," she said. "Maybe." I'd told Joanna Winthrop that I was getting on and that I was fine. I wasn't. Darla was never far from my mind. To say I was jealous of her lover, her husband, didn't begin to cover it. I was super jealous. I still loved the woman more than anything, and, I hated her too. She'd killed me. At one and the same time, I wanted to take her in my arms and love her and stomp on her prostrate and helpless form. Rational? Hell no. It was what it was. And then it happened. **** She didn't look good; she looked fantastic! White business suit, ever the lawyer. Curled fluffed out tresses. Heels and makeup designed to enslave a man. The woman had to be immortal; she just didn't age; it. We talked fairly normally but with some degree of awkwardness. I tried hard to be business like.I knew my ther****t was right -- that I should talk to him about what happened and I did try to raise the issue a few times, but never got past the small talk or work-related business. It was too hard for me to bring the topic up, so we didn't talk about it.I think, like many women, I tried to block the experience out of my mind. But I had multiple flashbacks. I found myself dreaming about it -- both sleep-dreaming and day-dreaming. But they weren't nightmares. I remembered the experience with dulled emotions. I remembered the feelings of pain and pleasure, and of course the feelings of shame and guilt for having sinned and violated my vows. If I had been 100% certain that I had not caused it in any way, perhaps I might have reacted differently.But I believed I was more responsible than Jeb was. He could argue that his judgement was impaired by alcohol. I had no such excuse. Hadn't I.
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