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Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?A: Other lawyers look interested (they are gathering new material for future use).Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?A: Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?A: Now she’s a loan shark.Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?A: Law school.Q: How do you define double jeopardy?A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?A: All the information you need, but you can’t understand a word of it.Q: What’s worse than pleading guilty to murder?A: Getting robbed—hiring an attorney to defend you and then getting jail time.Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.Q: What’s the difference between a dead snake in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.Q: Why. I studied my proximity sense's image of my brain very carefully, but I couldn't sense anything wrong. My resolution is roughly at the cubic millimeter level (a cube 1/25th of an inch in each direction), which is small - there are a HUGE number of cubic millimeters in a human body - but it's still too large to see what's going on inside a brain. I could see my heart operating in wonderful detail, but brains aren't big lumps of working organic machinery. (If you think proximity sensing at the cubic millimeter level is so mind boggling as to be impossible to manage, ask yourself what resolution your eyes see down to. Most computer panels have 96 dots per inch, so nearly 4 per linear 25th of an inch, making about 15 per square millimeter. You have no trouble managing blocks of 15 pixels, and can manage considerably smaller areas than that. Processing all the square millimeters you see doesn't boggle your mind, and neither does my proximity sense cause any of my minds to do any.
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I told her I was happily married, which was true at that time,” I added for Sarah’s benefit.“That explains it!” said Bob’s wife, Sue. “I see shit like this all the time in school. Insecure bimbos with more tits than brains think they need to get revenge on guys that don’t worship them. Last week, one of the senior cheerleaders started a rumor that the class salutatorian was gay.”The poor guy,” sympathized my daughter Nora. “What did he do about it?”“It’s only rumor, but I heard he fucked the shit out of her Friday night. He laid those rumors to rest, and the cheerleader to nirvana,” retorted Sue with a wicked grin. “I’m afraid it was positive reinforcement of a negative action.”“Mom, what did you do about Betty?” asked Nora once she stopped laughing at Sue’s revelation. “You must be furious that she’d say that about Dad.”“I am,” replied Sarah. “I told Jack to apologize to her and Tim. No one’s going to invite us to their parties if they think Dad’s a...”“Tit grabber?” interjected.

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