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As I inspected myself in the foggy mirror I wondered what he would think of my new style. Thinking about him giving his approval caused my body to shudder pleasantly. I wondered briefly how I could get him to notice what I had done.That night I woke up in a fevered sweat. I had been dreaming, my hand was jammed between my legs, under the thin material of my underwear, my chest burned with heated blood. I came awake just as my fingers slid across that tender spot at the top of my crack and my stomach started to cramp. I almost doubled in half but the cramps didn’t hurt, the pleasure I felt was nothing like I had ever experienced before. I heard myself moaning as I gasped for cool air. Even though it never happened to me before but I knew that I had just had an orgasm. As I drifted through the afterglow of my climax I remembered what I had been dreaming; I had shown him my trimmed body and he approved. My hand lingered, stroking my pussy lightly as I thought about him.For the next few. And most of the time, I didn't particularly care one way or another. That's part of the problem right there. I didn't care.Shit. Jenny must be right. I am a closed book. So if that's the problem, the obvious solution is let myself open up. To get beyond the simple expedient of being 'the boyfriend' and allowing them to see the real me, which is terrifying to contemplate.Why was that such a scary thought? Fear of rejection? Well, I should be used to that by now. Except, I always took comfort in the idea that they weren't really rejecting me, because they didn't really know the 'real' me. They were rejecting my version of 'the boyfriend'.I was slowly realizing, that playing the boyfriend was a dead end, had always been a dead end, and if I ever wanted something like long-term happiness I'd have to be honest with them and myself. I'd have to learn how to be myself, which was a weird thought. I wonder if I could practice somehow. Maybe go out to bars and see what it felt like to 'be.
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