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The next morning I wake up praying that last night had just been a terrible nightmare but knowing damn well it had not been. My baby cousin was truly gone. The young man I considered my brother from the very start was dead and I would never get to see him again. For the next few days, it felt as if I was walking around in a complete trance. Just going through the motions. Yes I was physically there but mentally I had completely checked out. There were times when I wished I could just curl into bed, pull the covers over my head, and just stay there. The day of the wake was also the day of a horrible snowstorm. We all piled into the van and made the dangerous drive to the funeral home. The entire time I say in the backseat praying that we would not get into a horrible accident and up severely injured or even worse dead. The angels must have been watching over us because we all arrived in one piece. The moment I walked into the funeral home, I could feel a strange heaviness in the. The sandy-haired thirteen-year-old stared at the scenery flashing by as the train picked up speed, and his mind lapsed back to the Saturday it had happened. Ma Baylor had gone shopping and Pa Baylor had gone to a ballgame. Billy was in the bathroom playing his new game--the game that had almost overnight become his favorite pastime. It felt so good when he played with himself, so good that he saw no reason not to do it often. And though he felt a vague guilt afterwards, he pushed it aside, for he felt too good while he was doing it to ever give it up.The boys at school had made jokes about his "jerking off", but they didn't make sense to Billy. What it had to do with "fucking" and "balling" and "screwing chicks", he was not sure. He wanted to know, however, and he sensed that someday he would. Pa Baylor had taught him sternly that he was to respect all women and never do anything to a girl that she didn't want him to. He never did go into details as to what this vague "doing something.
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